My kid is two, and therefore can’t read. (I know. Thank all the gods she’s not some kind of child prodigy, or we’d have some very strange conversations about words she definitely doesn’t see on toddler apps.) But looking for pictures of half-naked men on stock photo sites?

She’s like, “Who’s that? Who’s that picture?”

“Oh, that’s just, uh, models. People who work at jobs where pictures are taken of them.”

“Tummy!”

“Um. Yes. That is his tummy. Er. Yes.”

Here’s the big reveal, and why it’s so funny I’m looking at these pictures in the first place: I don’t get off on men’s bodies. Weird, right? I’m scouring the web for pictures to entice (mostly) straight ladies to read (largely) gay porn.

(Does that ruin it? I once overheard a conversation about how actors shouldn’t come out because it would ruin sex scenes for the straight folks. Hilarious! We queer people have been projecting queerness on straight actors forever and never had a problem!)

When the kid learns to read, though – that’s gonna be trouble. That’s gonna be install-a-super-spy-layer-over-the-hard-drive-to-hide-the-text-editor time. Because I’m all about openness, but I think, “Mom, what’s a ‘vibrating butt plug?’ And why are you writing about it?” is something I’d like to avoid, if possible.