Well, hello, there. *bats eyelashes*

In point of fact, I have no idea how to bat my eyelashes. I mean, it’s all well and good to read about eyelash-batting, but have you tried it? I’m pretty sure I just look like I have something stuck under my eyelid and I’m desperately trying to evict it.

Not that it’s a thing I do a lot. It only takes once to realize you’re not the right person to bat your eyelashes. (If you are the right person to bat your eyelashes, drop me an email and tell me all about your mad skills! Because now I have to know if this is a real thing, or just a sort of “ha ha ha, trip on a banana peel, that’s hilarious except no one’s ever really done it” urban legend.)

*Note to Eddie Izzard fans: yes, I did steal the banana thing.

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I’ll try to control my urge to bat my eyelashes at you in the future. Unless I work it out so it looks cool, in which case I will bat my eyelashes uncontrollably because cool.