Five Times Henry Was in Charge (NSFW)

Five times Henry was in charge, and one time he wasn’t. This is a Control the Smutwriter story, selected by the folks on the mailing list.

---

Five times Henry was in charge and one time he wasn’t.

1.

The first time they tried a blindfold, Henry spilled an entire glass of water on the bed. He wasn’t the one with the blindfold on.

2.

After roughly three months of begging (Henry called it begging; Math called it “persuasive asking”), Henry finally tied Math to the bed.

It was easier to stay focused with Math watching him, but on the other hand it was harder to hide the anxiety attack.

“Babe.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Handsome.”

“Don’t call me that, either.”

“Honeybuns.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Let me guess: next you’re gonna want a spanking and you’re just trying to make it easy on me.”

“Told you I can be persuasive.” Math grinned and tugged at the soft leather cuffs. “C’mon, Henry. I know you’ve got at least one or two things you’ve always wanted to do to me if I’d just stay still longer than five seconds. Well?”

That was certainly true. Henry surveyed his fiancé and swallowed, trying to get his heartbeat down to manageable levels.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

Math thrust his crotch into the air, dick bobbing ridiculously. “Really?”

“Math, this isn’t—I’m not sure I can—” He had to stop talking. Just to make sure, he covered his mouth with his hand.

“Kiss me when I can’t even touch you, Henry. Kiss me wherever you want. Make me desperate.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Make me desperate and needy and greedy. C’mon, Henry.”

Henry gave him a long look, and Math’s voice helped. Math’s words. Math’s ability to believe that Henry would be fine in a minute or two. He’d spent his entire life feeling like everyone was just waiting for him to completely break down, but Math always seemed to be waiting for him to stand up straight.

He kissed the man he had tied to the bed and lingered there, at Math’s lips, inhaling him.

“Mm,” Math murmured. “Yeah, nice. C’mon, Henry. More.”

“Maybe later.” Henry stood and walked to the door. “I’ll be back in a bit!” he called over his shoulder. Then he hid in the hallway and listened to Math’s pleas, biting down on his palm to keep from laughing out loud.

“Yeah, very funny, Henry. Hey. Hey! Dammit. This isn’t what I meant when I wanted to do this! You know, you can be kind of a jerk, Henry!” Insults turned to cajoling. “C’mon, man, let me up. Or come back in. I want you on top of me, Henry, please. I want you inside me. I’ll do anything. Henry? Henry!”

Henry lasted three and a half minutes, but they felt like an hour. When he went back into the bedroom, Math was annoyed.

“So you think you’re pretty hilarious, Henry, don’t you? You know, you aren’t supposed to leave people bound up alone.”

“You don’t trust me, Matthew?”

Math visibly calmed himself down while Henry watched. It was probably indecent that he took some comfort in the fact that he wasn’t the only one who sometimes needed a minute.

“I trust every inch of you.”

“Thank you.” Easy. Suddenly it was so easy to reach out, to trace three fingertips over Math’s stomach. Math shivered.

“Mm. Henry. Can you—”

Whatever Math was planning to say was interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Guys? Hey, it’s me! I know it’s early, but—”

“Oh my god,” Math muttered. “We need to implement some kind of system.”

“You want to set up a calendar so Sam knows when we’re having sex?” Henry started toward the door, but Math called him back.

“I’ve read Gerald’s Game like a thousand times. Do not leave me chained to the bed.”

Henry was already unbuckling him, but he realized Math was more than half-serious. “Sorry. I didn’t realize—”

“Neither did I,” Math said. “But let’s not do that again, okay?”

I fucked up. I fucked up sex. I definitely fucked up bondage. Oh shit.

“Hey.” Math shook loose from the last of the buckles and caught Henry’s hands. “You didn’t screw this up.”

More pounding. “Are you guys banging in there? Both of your cars are here, hello!”

Henry couldn’t meet his eyes. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

“Henry, I wasn’t worried for my life. But I’d rather not be thinking of Stephen King when we’re having sex, okay?” Math kissed him, and despite the pounding at the door, didn’t hurry to get up.

“Sorry,” Henry murmured again.

“Don’t be. We have to do this again, when we’re not interrupted. Do you want to stay back here?”

And hide from Sam, who’d probably think he was the one tied to the bed? “No, no. I’ll come with you.”

“Brace yourself. She’s gonna tease us. Probably a lot.”

“I can handle it.”

The teasing faded into the background while Henry watched Math in the kitchen, throwing together lunch for the three of them. He was stronger than Henry. He even had a weights set he didn’t use very much out on the back patio. If they stood beside each other no one would look at them and think The skinny one probably ties the hunky one to the bed. The thought made him flush, but he didn’t think they noticed.

3.

They only tried the gag once. It turned out the fantasy of Math’s silence was better than the reality.

4.

Henry liked the word chastity. It brought to mind all sorts of things he thought were pretty ridiculous, but the word itself, the sound of it when he heard it in his head— Chastity.

“You mean, like Bono?” Math asked, tracing lines on his arm.

They had Chaz Bono’s book. It was the first book Math bought for himself, the first trans memoir he read on his own, not because Henry ordered it online and left it by his side of the bed.

“Like if I don’t let you come, you can’t come.” Oh my god, Henry, stop blushing. Stop it.

“Oooh.” Math slanted a smile at him. “So. That’s interesting. You would control me.”

“Only your penis.”

Math laughed. “Sorry. I know you disapprove of mixing laughter and sex— Oof!”

“I do not. Jerk.”

He did, a little. Not disapprove, really; he couldn’t disapprove of Math’s laughter for any reason. But Henry liked to keep joke-mode and sex-mode more separate than that.

“I can’t help it. Penis is a funny word. Chastity, though. I see what you mean there. It sounds good: chastity, chastity, chastity, uh oh, now I only hear titty when I say it.”

“Chastity,” Henry said, playing along. “You’re right. Now it’s really chas-TITTY.”

Math kissed him. “You want me to not come?”

“I think it’s more—” Always with the talking. Henry bit down on his tongue, centered himself, and tried to explain. “I did some reading. I like the idea that you’d—that you’d be at my mercy. I like the idea that you wouldn’t know when I was going to let you come. That you’d have to just accept that.”

“All right. Let’s try it.” Another kiss. “I give you my orgasms, Henry Hofstadter. At least, for the weekend.”

For the whole weekend? Henry hadn’t planned for that. He’d thought maybe a few hours.

“What’d I do wrong?” Math asked, touching his face. “I said something wrong.”

“No. No, no, just I thought it was going to be—you know, an hour or two. Maybe until we go to sleep. The whole weekend?”

“I can last until Sunday. If you want me to. But you’ll still come, right?”

That was the idea, but now that they were seriously talking about it, Henry wasn’t so sure. “I guess so.”

This time Math didn’t actually laugh, but his smile was laughter enough.

“Be quiet. Just. I don’t know. I like the idea of it.”

“But what?”

But what was a good question. Henry decided he should force himself to talk to Randy in therapy about—sex. He normally avoided talking to Randy about sex (even though he’d definitely noticed Math found him a “BDSM-friendly” therapist who happened to be in the same complex as Nova’s shrink), but he couldn’t work all of this out in his head with Math watching him. He just couldn’t.

“Hen-ry,” Math sang. “Earth to Henry.”

“Sorry. Um. It’s just—I like it when you come.”

“I like it when I come, too, but now I’m kind of curious.” Math stretched out, arms wide, muscles tensing. “I’ve never made myself not-come before. It might be kind of interesting, Henry. Let’s give it a shot, okay?”

“Okay.”

They did. They both gave it a shot. Math would have been fine, but it turned out Henry couldn’t perform under that kind of pressure.

“Oh my god. This is humiliating.” He hid his face in Math’s neck. “Don’t look at me.”

“You’re hiding. I can’t look at you.” But Math’s hands were warm, running up and down his back. “I have a thought.”

“I’m sorry. We should have normal sex. I can’t—I can’t—even when I’m trying really hard—” So embarrassing. Henry wondered if Math could feel his blush, or if the fever-heat was an illusion.

“Henry, this is normal sex. This is our normal.”

Which had literally never, ever occurred to him. He lifted his head. “Huh. You think so?”

Math gave him the look. The look that meant whatever Henry just said had broken him a little.

“Sorry,” Henry murmured, looking away.

“Don’t be sorry. Be my lover, Henry. You want me to sing to you?” Math did a little shimmy and hummed La Bouche.

“If you get that song in my head, I won’t let you come for a week, Matthew.”

Math grinned.

They didn’t play with chastity more that night. But Henry put a pin in it.

5.

Henry waited for a few weeks after the last disaster to buckle Math to the headboard again. And this time he had plans.

“If Sam shows up, we’re not answering,” he said. Math laughed.

His therapist had mentioned visualization as a tool he could use to mediate his anxiety about new situations. It wasn’t the first time he’d come across the suggestion, but it was definitely the first time he’d taken it seriously.

He was pretty sure Randy hadn’t meant “picture in detail every aspect of having Math tied to the bed”, but then again, Randy was a lot more cool about things than Henry was, so maybe he did mean that.

“You’re so—” Next time he’d have to rehearse his lines, too.

Math waited, smiling up at him, body entirely relaxed.

“God, Math, you’re so gorgeous. I never ever thought—” Henry swallowed.

“What’re you gonna do to me, now that you have me?”

“Everything.”

He tried ice (watching Math’s body respond was incredible), and tickling (listen to Math curse was only half-fun because Henry was worried he’d miss their safeword if he wasn’t paying close enough attention), and then he did the thing he’d been waiting to do, but was a little tentative about, too, so he hesitated.

“You’re killing me. Come on, Henry, let me up.”

“Not yet.”

Math groaned.

I can do this. I can do this. It wasn’t risqué. It wasn’t even really that different than things they did all the time. But having Math’s hands out of action changed things.

“Do it, do it, do it,” Math chanted softly. “Babe, please.”

“Don’t make me spank you.”

“Oh man, you’re such a tease, Henry. Such a tease.”

Henry took a moment and tried to remember how he’d visualized this. Then he climbed up over Math and slowly settled his weight down, chest to chest, belly to belly, dick to dick.

“Henry. Mmmm.” Math tried to move, to thrust, to do anything, but his balance was off and he had leverage issues. Still, he managed to get his knees up before Henry told him to stop.

“Keep your legs flat.”

“Aw, c’mon—”

“You know they have restraints you can put under the mattress?” Henry whispered in his ear. “For wrists and ankles. I could tie you up like that and do whatever I wanted to you.”

“Yes, yes, come on—” Math shifted fractionally under his weight. “You’re so hot, Henry, come on—”

I can do this. Henry reached higher, elbows on the bed, hands framing Math’s face for a kiss. And another. And another, until the entire universe was kissing, lips warm, stubble rough, breaths short as they both lost control a little.

“I love you, Henry,” Math murmured, kissing the words into his skin. “Love you, love you, love—” He groaned.

Henry began rutting against him. He felt foolish, his moves untested, a strange gyration of hips and crotch he could only do if he kept his face buried in Math’s neck.

“Oh—oh—Henry, come on—more—”

He hadn’t planned to actually come this way, even though this was the point during the visualization where it technically became a fantasy. (Were you allowed to masturbate during a visualization? Probably depended on what your goal was.)

“Kiss me, Henry, please—”

He kissed his boyfriend—no, his fiancé—and rutted against him like an animal, like he was just there for Henry’s pleasure, dicks sliding against each other, sometimes curving his back and daring to let his balls brush Math’s dick, or shifting higher so Math’s erection rubbed against Henry’s crack, but never quite enough.

“Oh my—Henry—I love you so fucking—” Math’s moans and groans and vocalizations tipped Henry into an orgasm he wasn’t quite ready for. He lost himself to it, forehead pressed to Math’s neck, body nearly spasming as it chased pleasure down all the way until he could hardly move.

“Mm,” Math said, still making tiny thrusts up. “That’s the hottest sex I’ve ever had.”

“Did you come?”

“Not yet. Please, please tell me that’s not part of—”

“Not tonight.” Henry slid down, fighting a knee-jerk ick, and took Math into his mouth, tasting both of them for the first few seconds. (He didn’t like tasting his own come, but before he could think too hard about it, Math’s flavor overwhelmed everything else. Henry very much liked tasting Math.)

No hands against his head, no small motions of a body above his. This blowjob was all Henry, and it made blowing Math—something he tried to do as often as he could, between work and parenting and life—almost new.

Math came quickly, and when Henry unbuckled him, he rolled both of them into an embrace.

“I should get a towel or—”

“Shh, Henry.”

“But you’re still—”

“You should have thought of that before you let me loose.” Math’s eyes bore into his. “That was amazing. Have I told you today how amazing you are?”

“Matthew.”

“It’s true.” Math’s fingers traced his lips. “I’m so fucking lucky. Thank you, Henry. Also, FYI, you came while I was telling you I loved you. Just so you know.”

“Shut up.”

1.

Henry sent the text message and buried his head in his arms. “Oh my god. I can’t believe I did that.”

“How do you think he’ll feel when he reads it?” Randy asked.

“How can I possibly know that?”

“All right. How would you feel, if he sent it to you?”

Math loved text messages. He loved texting Henry the most explicit, the most rude things he could possibly think of. Sometimes when he knew Henry would get the message at work. One memorable time he did it while sitting next to Henry at the CPC, and kept talking, as if nothing strange was going on, while Henry sat there waiting to spontaneously combust.

“I always feel like someone’s going to read the message later and—they’ll know. About us.” He knew better than to look up, but he did it anyway. “I delete those messages once I’ve read them.”

“You delete Math’s sexts?”

“That’s such a stupid word.”

“Will he delete the one you just sent?”

I want you to be in charge tonight. Henry shivered.

“Never. He’ll probably take a screenshot of it so the phone can’t accidentally delete it.”

“What are you worried someone will find out if they read one of those messages, Henry?”

He narrowed his eyes at his therapist. “Like you don’t know. Randy, come on. I don’t want anyone to—to know that we— I mean, even you well-adjusted people have to have some secrets. Don’t you?”

“I’ve never been called ‘well-adjusted’ before,” Randy said. “And I don’t project my private text messages on the wall at the local diner, either, but I’m thinking about the line between private and paranoid.”

“I live in a small town,” Henry said stiffly. “You have no idea what it’s like when everyone knows your business.”

Randy nodded. “I think being prudent makes sense. Have you ever misplaced your phone and had it returned by someone?”

“No.”

“Do you have a lock of some sort on the screen, just in case someone else picked it up?”

“Mostly for Nova. I mean, she’s not a snoop, at all, but just in case. Sometimes she watches YouTube or something on our phones.”

“But you delete everything you find questionable.”

Henry shifted in the chair, nails digging into his palms. “Just in case. For all I know there are copies stored somewhere and she could—he could—stumble upon them. My brother’s a tech guy, Randy. These things happen.”

“Is Math worried that Nova might find one of his explicit text messages to you while watching YouTube?”

“No. I mean, I told him I thought—that we should probably make sure they get deleted.”

“What’d he say?”

Henry blushed. “That they’re the closest things we have to love letters and he’d never delete them.”

“Do you think he’s taking an unnecessary risk?”

“What are you really trying to say here, Randy? It doesn’t feel like we’re therapeutically discussing text messages.”

For a long moment Randy only looked at him. Then he nodded again.

“You’re right. I think one of the things you intensely value about your relationship with Math is that you take a slightly different role, in private, than you have in other relationships.”

“Yes,” Henry said, gritting his teeth.

“I think that role thrills you, but I also think it scares the hell out of you.”

“I’ve topped men before Math, Randy.”

“Have any of them begged you for it? Have any of them requested blindfolds or restraints?”

Do not walk out. There are only seven minutes left and then you can leave. Do not walk out, Henry. It’s going to cost you a copay anyway, so sit in your chair and try to participate.

“No. No one’s ever—seen me like that before.”

“How does it make you feel? Think for a minute, don’t just give me words so you can get past the question. Math looks at you and sees a man he’ll allow to do anything to him. He looks at you and sees strength and trust and love, Henry. He looks at you and feels safe. How does that feel?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I don’t understand why he sees that. I don’t see that when I look at myself. I don’t—it makes no sense that he thinks I’m safe, that I’m worthy.” He swallowed, breathing shallowly, trying hard not to get emotional.

“He’s not the only one. Nova talks to you the way he doesn’t talk to anyone else, right? Not even Math?”

“That’s different. Nova—Nova’s a kid.”

“Nova’s felt betrayed by his entire world. But not you, Henry.”

Henry swallowed again.

“Nova’s mom trusts you with her family. Luanne and Liam trust you with theirs. Henry, I think we’re beginning to form an impression of you as a man who actually is strong. And trustworthy. It’s not a delusion of Math’s. It’s not a side effect of falling in love.” Randy spread his hands. “What do you want from Math tonight? How do you want to feel when you wake up in the morning?”

How did he want to feel? “I don’t want to regret it. I want to feel like it’s okay. I’m so afraid I’ll feel like a fool, I’ll screw it all up. That I’ll lose it and he’ll never want to do it again.” He paused before forcing himself to add, “I’m afraid that if he sees me like that, if I give him the power, he’ll never want to go back to the way we’ve been doing it.”

“You’re afraid if you bottom to him he might only see you the way those other men saw you.”

“I know how stupid that sounds—”

“I don’t think it sounds stupid. I think it’s pretty brave of you to challenge such a fundamental fear, Henry. How our intimate partners see us has the power to shape so much of our identity. Did he respond?”

Henry took a breath and looked at his phone. You got it, handsome. *Wink* He rolled his eyes. “He said okay.”

“Good,” Randy said, and he might have been smirking. “I hope you’ll tell me how it goes.”

“Randy—” Shit. “Are you gay?”

“Yes.” Great, he was amused now. “Does that add to my credibility?”

“I haven’t bottomed to anyone in a long time. Just never really liked doing it, and then when it was expected—I hated it. Do you think—I mean, can I—” Fuck, fuck, fuck. Try again, Henry. “I asked him to be in charge. But I’m still not sure I want to do that.”

“If the situation was reversed, if Math didn’t like to be on the receiving end, would you hold that against him?”

“No, of course not.”

“Even if you were in charge?”

“So you think I should tell him?”

“I’m pro-communication, Henry. Sure. Tell him. It’s one sex act; I bet Math’s creative enough to come up with a whole lot of others.”

“Oh, he’s plenty creative.”

“There you go.” Randy shifted, shrink-posture for your session’s up. “See you next week, Henry.”

“See you.”

Math was grinning so hard when he came into the waiting room that even Nova noticed.

“What’s up with Dad?”

“He’s insane, Nov. Are we getting ice cream before going to your Mom’s?”

“Bet your butt, Henry.”

“Hey!”

He pulled Nova against his side and Math just kept grinning.

* * *

“Rule number one,” Math said, as they were getting out of the car.

“Rules?”

“Oh yeah. Rule number one. You have to kiss me up against the door like you’ve been waiting to kiss me all day, like your need to kiss me is almost killing you it’s so strong.”

Henry bit down on his lip. “That’s not exactly a stretch.”

“Uh huh. Then do it.” Math kicked the front door shut behind them and stood there. Waiting.

“This is a rule, huh?”

“Yeah.”

Henry pushed and Math offered a little resistance, so he pushed harder. “Is part of the rule that you don’t want me to kiss you?”

“Let’s just say usually I make it easy for you.”

“And tonight?”

Math shrugged. “You think you can’t take me, Henry?”

“Oh shut up.” This time when he pushed, he was serious. Math fell against the door with a thud, and Henry pressed in against him. Kissing Math when he held strong instead of melting was an entirely new experience, somehow.

“Yeah,” Math said. “Yeah, Henry. You remember that first night?”

“How could I forget?”

“I could feel how much you wanted to pin me down, but you didn’t let yourself.”

“It wasn’t—that’s not how I thought of it.”

Math’s eyes were warm, the same brown as always, but the tension in his arms kept shifting. “How did you think of it before me, Henry?”

“I didn’t. Or if I did, I thought I couldn’t pull it off. Or if I could, it’d be with—” Someone younger, weaker, even more fucked up. I thought the only people I could ever be honest with were so screwed up it wouldn’t count. “Not someone like you, Math.”

“You can pull it off. But sometimes I think you still don’t get that. Sometimes you look at me like I’m humoring you.” He pushed forward and Henry pushed back automatically. “I’m not humoring you. I waited all my life to find someone who could hold me like you do, Henry.”

“Math, come on. You let me do things, but it’s not—that’s not like I—if you wanted me to stop, you could make me.”

The little muscles around Math’s eyes contracted. “That’s why we have those cuffs you like.”

“It’s—I don’t know why we’re even talking about this—”

“Rule number two: you don’t get to redirect a conversation just because it freaks you out, Henry.”

Henry pulled up short. “I don’t do that.”

“Are you joking? Henry, you hate talking about sex. You’ve been seeing your shrink for like seven months and today’s the first time you ever even brought it up.”

“You don’t think I have enough problems without adding to it? Plus, I thought—I thought we were doing okay—I mean, on the, you know, the sex front.” He tried to pull away, but Math’s hands clamped on his forearms and kept him close.

“No. Rule number three, which is really just a corollary to rule number two, is you don’t get to put space between us because you’re uncomfortable.” Before he could reply, Math added, “I’m in charge. For one night. I don’t fantasize about tying you up, babe. I fantasize about you taking me seriously enough to know that I mean it when I say sometimes all I can think about is the second we come in after dropping off Nov and you look at me like you want to consume me.”

“I take you seriously,” Henry said, softly, because he couldn’t make it sound more confident than that.

“I was in a meeting the other day and I kept feeling those cuffs around my wrists. I had to bite down on my tongue to not get hard, Henry.”

Oh my god. Math was turned on in a meeting. “Wait, what meeting?”

“Bagel Shop Guy.”

“Matthew—”

“Okay, it wasn’t Bagel Shop Guy, but it could have been Bagel Shop Guy, and it wouldn’t have mattered.” Math pulled him in tighter, until Henry was off-balance, both of them against the door. “I was thinking about you, Henry. It’s always about you.”

“Like you don’t check out Bagel Shop Guy.”

“Like you don’t check out Border Collie Guy. But you don’t cuff him to the bed, so it’s okay.”

He couldn’t demand Math stop saying things like cuffs around my wrists and cuff him to the bed, but he wanted to. Some things shouldn’t be said out loud casually.

“Can we go to the bedroom?” Henry asked.

“Take off your clothes.” Math released him and began on his own clothes.

“We’re—we’re in the living room.”

“Yep.” A gesture. “Take off your clothes, hot stuff.”

“Do not call me that.”

Math raised his eyebrows. “In charge: me. Not in charge: you. Hot stuff.”

“You’re demented.”

“Mm hm. You need help with your shirt there, Henry?”

“So you spend all day long thinking about all the things about me that annoy you?” Henry asked, a little savagely, pulling at his buttons. “Your whole day is cataloguing the things about me you’d change if I let you? That’s nice, Math. That’s real nice. I’m so glad we’re having this talk, it’s eye-opening, it’s—”

The hand on his mouth tasted like keys, but the hand behind his head wouldn’t let him escape it.

“I’m not afraid of your anxiety, Henry Hofstadter. I’m not afraid of your past, or your issues, or whatever it is you think is so fucking unlovable. There is absolutely nothing you can do to scare me away, so stop trying.”

I’m not!

“I don’t mind your anxiety. I mind that you think eventually I’ll come to my senses and leave you because of it.”

Henry closed his eyes and felt the heat of Math’s hands, their strength.

“I know you’re afraid.” A kiss, pressed to his forehead. “It’s okay, Henry. I can hold you, too, you know.”

Math took away his hands, but Henry stood there, eyes closed, breathing slowly, trying not to let himself freak out. When the sounds of Math stripping stopped, Math’s hands returned to gently undress him.

Then they were both naked. In the living room. The curtains were drawn, but he could still see little bits of street and yard and cars outside. Henry shivered and Math stepped in, embracing him.

“Come on.”

The bedroom, thank god. For a minute he worried they’d be having sex in the common areas of the house, where they ate dinner or watched TV, which would just be wrong. Math led him to the bed and both of them sat down.

“I just got nervous,” Math said. “That’s so funny. I thought it was just you taking shit too seriously when you get nervous before we have sex, but I just got nervous. Guess it’s not that easy to be in charge, huh, Henry?”

“We don’t have to—”

“Yeah, we do.” Math turned, taking both of his hands. “I’m going to show you what I want, but you have to trust me that I’m not gonna do anything you don’t want. This is a demonstration because me trying to describe it to you will only freak you out. So I won’t. But you gotta let me show you, Henry. I’m not— This isn’t a trick.”

“A trick?”

Math swallowed. “I’m going to show you what I want you to do, okay? Everything I do is what I want you to do.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“Yeah, well, give it a minute. Damn. Fuck it, Henry, I’m not going to stick my dick in your ass, okay?”

Henry went very still and all the saliva in his mouth dried up.

“Okay? Trust me. That’s not what we’re doing tonight. Will you get on hands and knees for a minute? I don’t know how to talk about this part of it, how I want it to feel.”

Hands and knees? He took back his hands. “Hands and knees?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s—you’re playing me for a minute. Right there, but in the middle of the bed, okay?”

God. Henry didn’t like hands and knees. He didn’t like not being able to see the man behind him. This is not “a man”, this is Math. Still, he could feel tension everywhere and fought against trembling.

“I want you to hold me down,” Math said, hand suddenly dropping between Henry’s shoulder blades. “I know you don’t want to hurt me, but I can feel you holding back, Henry. I want you to hold me down.” The hand pushed down until Henry’s upper body went all the way to the bed.

Henry couldn’t speak. But he could feel Math behind him, keeping distance, trying to keep his promise, trying not to spook him.

“I want to have sex like this, with you holding me down. I want you to stop holding back and really come at me. Can we do that? Or at least, can we try?”

Henry could see dust in the pale light coming through the blinds. He could smell laundry detergent on the sheet beneath his cheek. “Let me up.”

Math backed off and Henry followed, pushing him down, awkwardly, feet still on the floor, head up against the footboard. He looked hopeful and concerned at once.

“I can hold you down,” Henry said.

“Hard. I want it harder than we’ve done before.”

“Are you sure?”

“Henry, yeah. Yeah. It’s the thing I want that I didn’t know how to ask you for.”

“But—it’s basically what we already do.”

Math shook his head, eyes never leaving Henry’s. “It’s not.”

And okay, Henry could argue, but also, he thought he knew what Math meant. “I’m not sure I can.”

“Just try. That’s all I ask.”

“Okay.”

He let Math up and turned him. Math didn’t go immediately into the position he’d shown Henry, so Henry pushed, he rearranged, he came in close and pressed against Math’s body, grateful that they were already naked.

“Down,” he said, pressing right where Math had, right between the shoulder blades. Damn, no condoms. No lube. He judged the distance to the bedside table, but no. No. “Stay where you are.” It was worth a shot.

He rushed the condom and had to start over, which was ridiculous, like he was a kid, like he’d never slid a condom on a dick before. Lube was more straightforward, but he still used more than he’d planned to, and wasted time wiping his hands, then wiping the lube bottle.

When he turned back, Math was watching him, eyes slitted open.

Henry bit back sorry. “Tell me again.”

“Hold me down and fuck me, Henry. Please.”

“Say it again. Beg me for it, Matthew.”

Math sucked the corner of his lips in before continuing. He hadn’t expected this part, but it was working for him. Henry didn’t break eye contact and reached out, running fingers up and down Math’s crack while Math tried to speak.

“Please—please hold me down. Please put all your weight on me like I can’t get away. Please fuck me so hard I can’t think, Henry, please fuck me so hard it’s all I can feel.”

Henry dripped lube over Math’s ass, pushing it into his hole. He’d never taken pleasure in a man’s ass before Math, never thought of this as more than a necessary evil, a somewhat gross part of anal sex, an obstacle between Not Touching and Penetration. But Math’s hole yielded so fucking sweetly to his touch, even now; Math’s body embraced him as always, a purely physical intimacy that made Henry’s balls spark.

He forgot, for a second. He reveled in stretching Math, filling him with two fingers, then three. Math moaned, pushing back, and Henry recalled his role.

He lubed himself and wiped his hands again, then aligned his body with Math’s. Now, now, now. Henry took a breath and leaned the heel of one hand on Math’s back, pressing his dick inside, sliding in deep, not stroking in and out, deeper each time like he might have done under normal circumstances but all the way in, all the way to the hilt.

Math exhaled another moan and reached back, trying to pull Henry in even deeper.

So far so good. But now what? Henry swallowed, thinking of how he’d felt with Math’s hand on his back, Math’s weight, just the hint of it, pressing him down. Intense, even just that hint.

He braced both hands on Math’s shoulders and tried to keep fucking him, but it took maneuvering, it took shifting his knees closer, it took all those awkward little moments that he hated. He had no leverage, so he focused his weight on the palm of one hand and used the other to hold Math’s hip. Better. Much better.

It was still a balancing act, trying to hold Math down and fuck him at the same time, but once he found a rhythm it was easier to go harder, it was easier to stop holding back.

Henry was shocked at himself, at how fast he was plowing his fiancé, how much he was enjoying it. Plowing? Yes, plowing, He was digging in deep, he was ripping Math up, fucking him open. He leaned forward more, jackhammering deep, forcing Math’s back to arch so he could keep going without holding on, throwing his weight against him.

“Yes—Henry—yes—come on, babe, fuck me—do it—”

Henry couldn’t speak. He was concentrating too hard on holding back the orgasm. Too soon, too amazing, he didn’t want it to end so fucking fast, but god, he was going to implode if he didn’t come soon. He was sweating down on the plane of Math’s back, and that should have been gross, but it felt entirely right.

“Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me—” Math’s body tensed. “Babe, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come, oh god, oh Henry—fuck—fuck—”

Math went rigid and Henry kept plowing him, harder now, fighting his sudden tension, fighting his body’s involuntary shudder. He came as Math began to relax, and collapsed on top of him, out of breath.

“You’re a fucking god, Henry. I’m marrying a fucking god.”

“Shut. Up.”

“Nope. I’m in charge. I can say whatever I want.” Math reached up with a hand, hooking Henry’s neck, kissing him awkwardly. “And I say you’re a fucking sex god. Thank you.”

You’re welcome. I love you, too. Henry sighed against Math’s face. “I didn’t know I could—do that. Like that.”

“You have a lot of, uh, unexplored depths. Wait, I didn’t mean that like it sounded.”

“Shut up— Dammit. Can I rescind you being in charge?”

“Not a chance. You said ‘tonight’ and it’s definitely still tonight.”

Henry groaned. “Fine.”

They separated and Math obediently took a shower while Henry changed the sheets, and didn’t insist on anything until Henry returned from his own shower, clean and cool and still a little shattered by the intensity of the orgasm.

“Just so you know,” Math said, watching him from the bed.

Henry waited. When the room was tidy and he had no other excuse to avoid the bed, he looked up. “Well? Just so I know what?”

“I can’t think of anything I won’t try. With you. There are a lot of things I want to try that we haven’t even gotten to yet, and I figure you’ve probably got stuff you haven’t brought up, too.” He paused.

That wasn’t a question. Still, Henry nodded because he didn’t think Math would continue if he didn’t.

“But I like our normal, Henry. If that’s what you’re worried I want to change about you, you should stop worrying.”

Damn. He went through the whole evening in his head, but even if somehow Math and Randy had compared notes (and neither of them would have, even if wasn’t a complete breach of ethics on both sides, but even if they had), there wasn’t time.

Which meant Math just…somehow intuited this.

Henry stood in his bedroom, in the elongated spill of light from the bathroom, looking at Math’s face. Math’s face, absolutely guileless, no secrets, no shadows. Just Math, who loved him. Who’d loved him even when he wanted to run like hell. Math, who’d let him run and welcomed him back.

“So what do you want to change about me, then?” he asked, knowing it was petty.

“Someday I want to have this conversation when you’re sitting next to me, not standing across the room.”

“Math.”

“I’m serious. I want to be part of your plan, Henry. I know how much time you spend thinking about things. I like that about you. And someday, if you decide to keep me around, maybe you’ll let me stand by your side while you do it.”

Henry stopped breathing. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to, it’s just how I am.

“Not today. But we’ve got the rest of our lives, and I kind of can’t wait to see how they play out.” And Math, still in charge, got out of bed. It was hard not to brace, but Henry stood very still and waited. “I love you, Henry.”

When Math wrapped strong arms around his shoulders, Henry only resisted for a moment before leaning in.

“For the record, I wouldn’t change anything about you,” he mumbled, hoping Math understood he was being hilarious.

“You’d make me never drink out of the milk carton.”

“It’s unsanitary.”

“Also, you’d make me put my keys in that little dish you bought.”

“Because then you could find them again, it’s not like I’m doing that for me—”

“Exactly,” Math said, kissing his cheek. “Yeah, exactly. I’m glad we understand each other.”

It took him a minute. When he worked it out, he carefully arranged a frown before pulling back to look at Math. “Your thing isn’t for me, Math.”

“Really?”

“What are you saying?”

“That I want to be with you forever.”

“Math—”

“I want to be with you forever. You don’t want me to lose my keys; I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone with your demons, whatever they are.” He shrugged. “Anyway, I’m ready to not be in charge now, if we’re going to bed.”

It wasn’t that easy. It couldn’t be. But Henry let himself relax into Math’s arms and inhaled him. “So Randy’s gay. I asked him.”

“Oh, good. I can’t tell if Nova asked Squire if he’s trans and just didn’t tell me, or if she hasn’t asked him yet.” Math led them back to the bed and didn’t insist that Henry follow.

After another slight hesitation, Henry curled against him. He felt foolish doing it, and more foolish worrying that it would somehow make him seem weak in Math’s eyes, as if cuddling was currency, as if there was a balance sheet somewhere and he had to stay ahead at all costs.

“I love you, too,” Henry murmured, closing his eyes.

“I know. It’s a fucking turn-on.”

Henry groaned. “You’re so obsessed.”

“Yep. I’m already thinking about what I’ll do the next time you want me to be in charge. It’s gonna be amazing.”

“Matthew—”

“No pressure. Wait a few months. Or years. Or whatever. My plans will keep.”

Months. Years. Forever. Henry sat up. “Randy said he thinks I might actually be strong. That I treat it like it’s this delusion you have, but maybe—you know, maybe it’s true.”

Math smiled. “Maybe it is.”

“Shut up.”

Math zipped his lips, then unzipped them and pulled Henry down for a kiss. “Thanks for tonight. Thanks for trusting me, Henry.”

“I do. I trust you.”

“Yeah, that’s hot.”

Henry punched him lightly in the gut, then lay back down. “Anyway, thanks for—believing in me. Believing I’m okay.”

“Oh, I think you’re way better than okay. Goodnight, my little buttercup.”

This time the punch wasn’t quite as light, but Math laughed anyway.